Relationship is hard! Even when we know what we have to do, even when the goal is clear and clearly good and necessary and beneficial, it is still hard.

It takes some amount of energy and willingness to sit together in therapy, or to study together, and to learn about what needs to happen in order for our relationship to blossom. But it takes so much more energy to execute the plan, to bring it into the world and to create change.

There is an additional ingredient that can help bridge the gap, and it is found in the words Moshe says to Yehoshua his successor so many times: chazak v’ematz. Take strength and take courage!

Certain aspects of life need extra encouragement

The Talmud[i] lists certain things that we do that need an extra nudge once in a while: Torah, prayer, good works, and making a living. Each of them needs encouragement because they are potentially discouraging. After all, we might invest serious time and energy into them and see little or no results. We may well wish to stop altogether. But the Torah chimes in: chazak v’ematz – don’t give up! Your efforts will bear fruit one day if you stay with it.

Relationships need chizzuk – encouragement as well. Though we may be working through a difficult stage, or we may be having trouble bringing our insights into the world, we need to remind ourselves of just how important it is and just how hard it is… and what the rewards will be.

Difficulty and importance often go hand in hand

We can often assess the importance of an act by how difficult it is to do it. Clearly talking about what needs to change so that our relationship can blossom is a more important conversation than discussing the wallpaper. And this is clearly indicated by how much we dread those conversations.

We should apply this formula in reverse: when we notice that we are dreading something or fighting against it, we should assume that it is pretty important, and invoke chazak v’ematz. We should recognize that this is one of those moments that needs some extra encouragement in order to come to fruition, and it must be because the stakes are so high and reward is so profound.

Where do we get this encouragement?

While Yehoshua had Moshe to give him a boost, we will have to look elsewhere for it. One of the primary sources of encouragement is from each other. If my partner can remind me that she loves me and that she is very much looking forward to seeing our relationship grow through this conversation, I will be more excited to step up. We need to keep that carrot on the end of the stick shiny and glowing.

But sometimes we both need encouragement and are too entrenched to give it to each other. In such situations, we need someone else to give it to us – it may be another couple, who we respect for having struggled through similar processes, who can remind us, from up ahead, that we are going in the right direction. And it may be a teacher we both respect who can tell us with certainty that working through this moment will strengthen our relationship.

Either way, we should not be ashamed that we need an extra push. Relationship is hard! It is difficult to share space, to share resources, and to share responsibilities. Relationship is fraught with potential hazards to ego and self-image, and it is bound to bring up our darkest fears and uncertainties. We need whatever help we can get.

Chazak v’ematz! Be encouraged! All the work you do, every bit of selflessness, every barrier you work through, is bringing light into your life, and the life of your partner, and into the world we all share.